feelin crappy

i guess it's ok. i feel bad about what i did, and regretful... i just wanna sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep for days man....... triple sigh.

pain!

ouchi wouchie painnnn...

so we've been together 5 years. yeah! 5. so back off all y'all coffee shop boys, giving me free coffee and stuff... actually that part i'm ok with. so joel's moving out. and then in... to my studio! lookin' at storage right now..... yeah. i love joel. he's really loveable. ui love him to be my boyfriend. i love his dimples and he's still into me too!!

the cramps....suck.... man do they ever.

i took patty to get washed yesterday and he's all soft and cubie again! yeah! k.... what could i say that people might actually think is cool? that i might? goals...........

lap-top
eye glasses/sun glasses
annual exam
cancel healthcare
bring dentist chocolate
be hot


ok bye!

Numbness

You'd think this would be some emotional outporing or at least somewhat introspective by the title, but really I just got 6 fillings a couple hours ago and the feeling in my lower jaw is slowly returning. The tingling. The novocaine was disguising my sore throat but it has returned, and especially hurts when I talk.. Linda has given me some honey cough drops though, and I am very much enjoying the flavor as I have not eaten all day and am starving. I hope that by the time I reach the Lazy Dog tonight, I will be able to eat some spinach artichoke dip (one of the cheapest and yummiest menu items, listed as an appetizer but quite a generous meal if you're into simple pleasures .. wtf do I mean by that?) Anyway.

Things are good. Things are fucking great. My mum arrives friday night and I sooooper-duper hope I am not still feeling sick at that time. I hope I'm not feeling sick tomorrow as well. I don't think I want to be sick ever... Maybe though.

We had a fucking rad staff meeting last night. I got way too pumped about it and then I was embarrassed. We've got some intimidating goals, but some really fun implementations to balance them. We are going to have a variety of breaks including: video game breaks, remote control motorcycle in the parking lot breaks, and reclining chair in the sunshine breaks. We will also be having frozen drink Fridays (so we can pretend they're not virgin), and we may start going to lunch 2 at a time so that we can hit up restaurants and buy our customers lunch through the random acts of finance program. All of these things made me freak out! Then I felt like a big time dork. Which I am. Short: I love my freaking job really really hard OUCH

Last weekend was really fun. We drank tequila all day sunday and hung out at the park and watched family guy and stuff. Went to the buff for breakie and $1 mamosas. I love drunken sundays. I also love vicodin! Which makes me love Trumpy Y

I love my dentist too. And everyone who works there. I'm going to bring them chocolate. But damn he stuck me deep with that needle, and four times. *she's.. so popular* playing.. They always have the best music. Whoa, opening my jaw just enough to fit a cough drop in is excruciatingly achey.. So Joel and Trumpy are at Catacombs instead... What will I eat? Guinness?

No more comments

I've been reminded that this blog really should be about me, so I disabled comments. I think this will help me to be more honest with myself. A good friend of mine helped me understand this, and I greatly value this guidance. I'm sorry I upset you, bud. I want this to really be about me and honesty, and although I made this available to a few people, I need to concentrate on writing this for myself, to understand myself, and I can't be thinking so much about what other people will think of what I am writing. Good night.

One-family Water Jugs

In my dream, I am in Joel's bed, but I am calling all of these guys. Benny, Richard, Kaya, and others.. A black-haired mail man (no idea) and this blonde geek/hick like Luann's boyfriend in King of the Hill. I call all of them, and they call me back, and some come to visit me, but then I don't want to see them anymore. Benny is especially difficult to get rid of. God he annoys the shit out of me. I make contact with Richard, and he is kind of available for counsel, but I don't see him. I remember looking at my phone and noticing that the message symbol is not there, and I am sad about it. This is amusing because in real life I have like 30 unheard messages and I really want to get rid of them because the message symbol is covering my eye in the picture I have on my phone.... Anyway. The other part of my dream I am in this house eating nachos or something, it is night time and I can see lights coming through the venetian blinds. I am on the couch and there are other people there, guys, like my brother's friends or something, but they're sleeping. I go outside, sort of through a garage area, something about the garage door and a rough dry side-walk on my bare feet... The coolest part of my dream was about Wesley and Susan though. I'm hanging out with Mariah, and Wesley and Susan have just come back from some faire (of course). They are raving about these water jugs that were at the faire. They were jugs used for water that had been used by only one family. Somehow this was amazing, they were ancient. This display, or booth at the faire, was also in the process of purifying other water-jugs that had been used by multiple families. Wesley and Susan had bought a mug rather than a jug (the booth was offering variations). It was shaped like an hour glass but more severe, about 2 feet high. Susan said, "wait till you see it, now I wish I had gotten a few more". As we watch (switch tense, sorry), in the bottm of the 'mug' a bit of swirling begins, like black sand or dusting spiraling up. It changes swiftly and beautifully, swirling up to create different shapes. At one point it swirls and then freezes in a position where the black sand is holding these molten shiny deep chrome balls, one above the other, and the black sand is so proud and receptive to our astonishment. Then it swirls again and turns to an ocean battle scene, with bloodshed and flying limbs and I wonder momentarily is this is good or evil, and if the booth-keepers really did purify the mugs used by more than one family. I decide it is benevolent, and think of the great fortune upon Mariah's family for having this mug. Alarms sounds.

Not beautiful, but true

it's come up again
the sun and its colors
no matter how bad things get, it comes up beautiful when night slips off
hands slammed in doors, threats of suicide
and breakfast again, together, when the sun comes up
like eggs over easy
served up afresh, and you can eat them
any way you want
today

we wound down a familiar road
i felt like a stranger
in a good way
moving our bodies together
feeling the building buzz around us
independent
and when sickness overtook
i went outside and called
because i thought he would understand this feeling
of sickness
unwantedness
darkness inside
and that was not fair.

i puked so much! over and over
in the sink, out the window, out the window
was so surprised to be back in the car, finally
in the hum and warm
shuttling away from the watchers

once home (home?), acquainted myself with the corner
tried to explain myself to the rage
didn't do a good job
bitterness in my throat.

Out Tonight?

Today has gone really well. My spark came back, I felt lively. I got hit on on the phone multiple times which must mean I'm feeling better. I got my charm back. I felt in control, and beautiful, and powerful, and my salad was yummy. I wore fuchsia lip stick, my hair high, and the bracelet my brother gave me. I drank a triple latte, my eyes feel funny.

There is a concert tonight in Denver, and I kind of want to go, but I work at 8:30 a.m. Whenever I think about going out, I get a tummy full of nerves and worry about what I'll wear or why I'm going at all. But I don't want to miss out... And I no longer sit at home and smoke myself to sleep... So what will I do? Laundry! And I'll write in my blog. And maybe I'll get drunk alone since, you know, I can. Patton and I will hang out. I can maybe go to Target, there are a few things I've been meaning to stock up on........... I can get a new shower curtain! I'll write more when I am home and alone.