feelin crappy

i guess it's ok. i feel bad about what i did, and regretful... i just wanna sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep for days man....... triple sigh.

pain!

ouchi wouchie painnnn...

so we've been together 5 years. yeah! 5. so back off all y'all coffee shop boys, giving me free coffee and stuff... actually that part i'm ok with. so joel's moving out. and then in... to my studio! lookin' at storage right now..... yeah. i love joel. he's really loveable. ui love him to be my boyfriend. i love his dimples and he's still into me too!!

the cramps....suck.... man do they ever.

i took patty to get washed yesterday and he's all soft and cubie again! yeah! k.... what could i say that people might actually think is cool? that i might? goals...........

lap-top
eye glasses/sun glasses
annual exam
cancel healthcare
bring dentist chocolate
be hot


ok bye!

Numbness

You'd think this would be some emotional outporing or at least somewhat introspective by the title, but really I just got 6 fillings a couple hours ago and the feeling in my lower jaw is slowly returning. The tingling. The novocaine was disguising my sore throat but it has returned, and especially hurts when I talk.. Linda has given me some honey cough drops though, and I am very much enjoying the flavor as I have not eaten all day and am starving. I hope that by the time I reach the Lazy Dog tonight, I will be able to eat some spinach artichoke dip (one of the cheapest and yummiest menu items, listed as an appetizer but quite a generous meal if you're into simple pleasures .. wtf do I mean by that?) Anyway.

Things are good. Things are fucking great. My mum arrives friday night and I sooooper-duper hope I am not still feeling sick at that time. I hope I'm not feeling sick tomorrow as well. I don't think I want to be sick ever... Maybe though.

We had a fucking rad staff meeting last night. I got way too pumped about it and then I was embarrassed. We've got some intimidating goals, but some really fun implementations to balance them. We are going to have a variety of breaks including: video game breaks, remote control motorcycle in the parking lot breaks, and reclining chair in the sunshine breaks. We will also be having frozen drink Fridays (so we can pretend they're not virgin), and we may start going to lunch 2 at a time so that we can hit up restaurants and buy our customers lunch through the random acts of finance program. All of these things made me freak out! Then I felt like a big time dork. Which I am. Short: I love my freaking job really really hard OUCH

Last weekend was really fun. We drank tequila all day sunday and hung out at the park and watched family guy and stuff. Went to the buff for breakie and $1 mamosas. I love drunken sundays. I also love vicodin! Which makes me love Trumpy Y

I love my dentist too. And everyone who works there. I'm going to bring them chocolate. But damn he stuck me deep with that needle, and four times. *she's.. so popular* playing.. They always have the best music. Whoa, opening my jaw just enough to fit a cough drop in is excruciatingly achey.. So Joel and Trumpy are at Catacombs instead... What will I eat? Guinness?

No more comments

I've been reminded that this blog really should be about me, so I disabled comments. I think this will help me to be more honest with myself. A good friend of mine helped me understand this, and I greatly value this guidance. I'm sorry I upset you, bud. I want this to really be about me and honesty, and although I made this available to a few people, I need to concentrate on writing this for myself, to understand myself, and I can't be thinking so much about what other people will think of what I am writing. Good night.

One-family Water Jugs

In my dream, I am in Joel's bed, but I am calling all of these guys. Benny, Richard, Kaya, and others.. A black-haired mail man (no idea) and this blonde geek/hick like Luann's boyfriend in King of the Hill. I call all of them, and they call me back, and some come to visit me, but then I don't want to see them anymore. Benny is especially difficult to get rid of. God he annoys the shit out of me. I make contact with Richard, and he is kind of available for counsel, but I don't see him. I remember looking at my phone and noticing that the message symbol is not there, and I am sad about it. This is amusing because in real life I have like 30 unheard messages and I really want to get rid of them because the message symbol is covering my eye in the picture I have on my phone.... Anyway. The other part of my dream I am in this house eating nachos or something, it is night time and I can see lights coming through the venetian blinds. I am on the couch and there are other people there, guys, like my brother's friends or something, but they're sleeping. I go outside, sort of through a garage area, something about the garage door and a rough dry side-walk on my bare feet... The coolest part of my dream was about Wesley and Susan though. I'm hanging out with Mariah, and Wesley and Susan have just come back from some faire (of course). They are raving about these water jugs that were at the faire. They were jugs used for water that had been used by only one family. Somehow this was amazing, they were ancient. This display, or booth at the faire, was also in the process of purifying other water-jugs that had been used by multiple families. Wesley and Susan had bought a mug rather than a jug (the booth was offering variations). It was shaped like an hour glass but more severe, about 2 feet high. Susan said, "wait till you see it, now I wish I had gotten a few more". As we watch (switch tense, sorry), in the bottm of the 'mug' a bit of swirling begins, like black sand or dusting spiraling up. It changes swiftly and beautifully, swirling up to create different shapes. At one point it swirls and then freezes in a position where the black sand is holding these molten shiny deep chrome balls, one above the other, and the black sand is so proud and receptive to our astonishment. Then it swirls again and turns to an ocean battle scene, with bloodshed and flying limbs and I wonder momentarily is this is good or evil, and if the booth-keepers really did purify the mugs used by more than one family. I decide it is benevolent, and think of the great fortune upon Mariah's family for having this mug. Alarms sounds.

Not beautiful, but true

it's come up again
the sun and its colors
no matter how bad things get, it comes up beautiful when night slips off
hands slammed in doors, threats of suicide
and breakfast again, together, when the sun comes up
like eggs over easy
served up afresh, and you can eat them
any way you want
today

we wound down a familiar road
i felt like a stranger
in a good way
moving our bodies together
feeling the building buzz around us
independent
and when sickness overtook
i went outside and called
because i thought he would understand this feeling
of sickness
unwantedness
darkness inside
and that was not fair.

i puked so much! over and over
in the sink, out the window, out the window
was so surprised to be back in the car, finally
in the hum and warm
shuttling away from the watchers

once home (home?), acquainted myself with the corner
tried to explain myself to the rage
didn't do a good job
bitterness in my throat.

Out Tonight?

Today has gone really well. My spark came back, I felt lively. I got hit on on the phone multiple times which must mean I'm feeling better. I got my charm back. I felt in control, and beautiful, and powerful, and my salad was yummy. I wore fuchsia lip stick, my hair high, and the bracelet my brother gave me. I drank a triple latte, my eyes feel funny.

There is a concert tonight in Denver, and I kind of want to go, but I work at 8:30 a.m. Whenever I think about going out, I get a tummy full of nerves and worry about what I'll wear or why I'm going at all. But I don't want to miss out... And I no longer sit at home and smoke myself to sleep... So what will I do? Laundry! And I'll write in my blog. And maybe I'll get drunk alone since, you know, I can. Patton and I will hang out. I can maybe go to Target, there are a few things I've been meaning to stock up on........... I can get a new shower curtain! I'll write more when I am home and alone.

Summer Holds

I looked at some pictures from the morning after. I feel horrible again and again and again, and I deserve this. I did it to myself, to the one I love most, and why? Am I so starved for emotion that I set myself up for disaster? That I self-destruct? I've done it before. I've sabotaged myself.. And I feel like abroken record, not that I did it again, because this time I feel a real change in myself, just that I keep talking like this. I feel a heaviness settle over me, in a bad way. Like my life was all summer and love before I did this... And now it feels like when summer comes again, it will be wet with tears and hurt, and the ghosts of before I destroyed us. There are so many photos of us happy together.. Were we? I think so. Even though things were going on, I've always loved him. Did I fuck us??

Gotten

I'm exhausted. No cramps which is completely out of the ordinary.. Usually I am out of commission. I guess relief comes with age..

I am sucking at work right now but I don't care too much. If anyone wants to ask me about it, I'll just tell them to try bleeding out the crotch awhile.

This morning was filled with tears and pain, it is good to go through the process and feel what I did. I made an appointment with a therapist for tomorrow at noon, and she is expensive but perhaps I will get something out of it even if I don't end up continuing with her.

Joel got us sushi from Ideal for lunch. There were sushi kisses, and Patton was silly and waggy as usual... He nearly skinned my finger last night when I tried to give him a gift of rotisserie chicken. Those teeth. I flipped out at him and he felt real bad, so I went over with another piece to show him how to be gentle, and he was very dainty and carefully licked my fingers after he discerned which was poultry and which was living flesh. He's such a good dog. On Valentine's Day we will have had him a year, and he'll be 6 & 1/2. Check out my introspective mood.

Murder in Vegas

I dreamt someone might murder Joel in a busy glass building in Vegas. I tried to kiss him in case it would be the last, but he was running around.

Dot... Today is the main day.. I feel absolutely wiped out.... And yesterday I was awash with hot flashes and tearful exhaustion.. Why is it so taxing? I just want to sleep....

Studio on the Hill

I checked out this studio on the hill today. The landlord wanted to know from the very first if I would mind being around the college kids. I said no, I'm college age. I was wrong!! It was very cute, or could be with a little paint and some new lighting, but I hate the fucking college kids! I thought I could do it..... No way. I feel out of place up there. I want something near older people that don't exude such... ignorance? Do I exude that? I hope not. So the hunt continues. I want something sort of in between the two locations I've checked out... Location-wise, not niceness wise. I want to nothing about that stinky, sad little place on Valmont. And I don't want to compete with college kids for parking and housing on the hill when there's nothing about that area that I want or need. I'd rather a quiet place, not so much hooplah, and people of different types... not just college students... why do I hate them so much? Is it just these ones 'cause they seem rich?

Dreams, dreams..

Dream 1:

I am with Joel at night in a summer meadow with rolling hills. We have my car and we're going to some monastery type place, but to party. I have blankets and bottles of hard booze in teh trunk of my car. We don't drink but we're drunk and meeting some people there. We move past the structure which is Japanese architecture and streams and bamboo with candles and statues. It's peaceful and the sultriness and heat are present. We move past to more meadow with more statues sprinkled about. I go to one of the statues that is a feminine shape with large sort of oblong breasts. I have my cell phone and my shirt off and I keep putting my breasts next to the statue's to take a picture. My breasts looks almost the same but bigger than the statue's. Every picture I take comes back of my face, and I can see I have a shirt on, which is confusing, because I don't. It's dark and warm and Joel is in front of me and kind of to the right, he's smiling and having fun but doing something else.

Dream 2:

I have just bought a bunch of new beauty products at the drugstore. One of them is shampoo with henna in it. I drive down the road from my parent's house where I am staying, but they live on Hidden Creek in Arcata. I drive down to the bottom of the road and on the left side, instead of the church and the apartments, there is a big bathtub under some trees. I run a big hot bath and Erin appear with some friend of hers. She wants something from me, so I tell her to get in the tub while I put shampoo in my hair. She gets in and it's really bubbly. I run up to my car to turn up the hot water for when I am going to rinse out my shampoo, but am dismayed when I turn the knob because I realize it is not connected to the bathtub in any way. I go back down to Erin in the tub and tell her she needs to get out so I can rinse out my hair. The water in the tub is pink and iridescent with bubbles, and her face looks open and sad like she's had a lobotomy and I was the last thought in her head. I look in the mirror (I don't know where it is mounted, but opposite direction from the tub) and my hair is short and curly, but not soft like usual, bristly and puffy like an old lady who had it teased. It's a reddish brown color, the henna is working. The dream kind of changes now.. I get back into my car, and there's this gang of kids walking towards me, they mean me harm. They're young and stupid like the college kids I tried to avoid today. I try to close my door in time, then I'm not sure what happens. I kind of rewind, and am walking to my car again. I go under this long drooping branch, and the kids are on top of it, walking, and don't see me, but one of them take a piss and it drizzles down the branch and onto my head and shoulders. I am embarrassed and scared but I keep walking, thinking that it's a good thing I will be taking a bath soon. They notice me and laugh at me threateningly. I am approaching my car, and they are closing in on me. They change from the stupid young kids into my brother's friends, Cedar and Tanner, and some other guys I don't know. They are still laughing at me and I try to get into my car but they get there first and infiltrate. I can't make it to the driver's side quick enough, and they have gotten into my car, so I go to the rear passenger's seat where Cedar is sitting. I say to him, "You can't do this to me! You're my brother's friend! How could you do this??" He smiles at me, he is very close to me, and presses his chest against mine. His eyes are a deep inky blue (I've never really looked too closely at Cedar's eyes so this is probably not accurate), and he says to me without blinking, "Doesn't this turn you on?" I can feel his chest against me and it is very warm and gives a little under the pressure (perfectly, the way Joel's does), and it does turn me on, a lot. I want to be honest so I look down, surrendering, and say, "Yes." They drive away toward the ocean, but I am somehow following them. When they get to the cliff's edge, they drive down another road that is like a spiral staircase going down, and there is a column in the middle, all of this made of white/beige stone, very smooth and reminds me of a dali painting combined with something out of Bedrock. I try to watch them drive down, but I just get to the edge in time to see them running up the spiral laughing and lawless, beside themselves with entertainment and my car crashing onto the ground below (not into the ocean strangely) and ruined for good. Alarm sounds.

Hunting!

I get to go and check out an apartment in about a half hour. It is a good location for the other places I will be spending my time, but I am not sure about the neighborhood yet. Good price. Storage and fireplace... I'm excited to go see it.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

That place stunk like I'm not sure what. I immedaitely felt sad upon entry. They couldn't pay me to sleep there one night!! Well, maybe one night, for one thousand dollars. But not if I had to open the fridge! It smelled like someone smoked crack, took a dump inside and locked it for a month. I think I'll know pretty well when I find the right place. Right now I am looking at RealSimple.com for recipes with broccoli, since we've got a bunch and Joel wants to use it.

We kissed today after a misunderstanding, and it was ridiculous. I want to work towards our minds having that same amazing connection our bodies do.

Dream

I dream I am living at home with my parents temporarily, and my brother is there too. I come downstairs in the morning and my mum is feverishly cooking and baking. After we talk for awhile she says to me, "So, d'Arcy. You know today is my birthday, don't you?" or something along those lines. I feel horrible for forgetting, but have been feeling out of sorts all morning and for days. I find out somehow (not sure if from something she says or just the feeling in my bedroom) that when my parents came to pick up my brother and I from the airport, somebody murdered a girl and a guy in my room. I think they were brother and sister, but maybe a couple. I keep pressing my mum for more information, but she won't tell me anything, she sits there tight-lipped at her birthday dinner, my dad is holding her hand and protecting her as she looks down with her chin up. I try to find the murderer or the scene or something, and I come into danger. Alarm sounds.

Just a note from my post last night: "(in a world where everything else is dark)" - I don't really feel like everything else in the world is dark. I think it is very bright and beautiful, just by comparison to the sound of his laugh is it dark.

Good day.

His Smile

I was thinking back on these smiles and crying because I don't know how I can live with myself after hurting something so amazing. How could I not do it right the first time? How could I find someone like this and fuck it all up? I feel like my life is a waste because I faught for a chance and foiled my own dream. Joel is different from anyone else. He's warmer, more real. He's bigger in every way. To see his smile to remember that I've been breathing and why. To hear him laugh is like clouds opening and shafts of sunlight breaking through (if you can imagine a world dark in every other way). I want to protect him from me. He deserves more love than exists, a smile as delightful as his, and a heart twice as generous. I feel so hollow and broken. I feel like a defective observer. I feel like a cruel person. I'm pissed at myself for falling in love with such a beautiful person, but how could I avoid it? Anyone who doesn't fall in love with Joel is out of their mind. I wrote this before, and the browser disappeared in a puff of smoke.. I cried harder, for the symbolic vacancy after my heart outpouring.. I plucked these memories from the sunny places in my heart (so many more after meeting Joel), and then they disappeared all over again.... I'm ashamed that I can express myself at all. I should be broken up beyond belief and never allow myself in the presence of such an extraordinary creature. I want to make myself alright, to really work on myself, so maybe I can be the one who makes him happy, so maybe I can be responsible partly for his beautiful smile. I am having a weak moment though, and don't find forgiveness for myself right now. One of the problems is, and was before, this pedestal I've built - I don't think I am good enough, and then I slip down, find myself on that dirty path where any flower will do since I am empty inside anyway... I am weak right now though. Overpowered by his beauty and my ugliness. Things will get better, I am determined to follow through with this. Right now I am just feeling so much regret and hatefulness. It goes nowhere. I want so much to show him the love that I feel for him, but I feel dark and gooey like I'll make him sick if I touch him. I feel he might let me anyway, and he'll regret it. Why did I do this???

Some of the memories:

When we lived in Hollywood, I would wait up at night until midnight, sometimes 1 or 2am. I would wait eagerly listening to every noise, keenly aware of the exact ones that told me he was home. Then he would be there in the doorway like a comet, dazzling and full of life. His smile so vulnerable, so expectant as though he thought I might have disappeared in his absence, and to find me was a miracle. Dressed in black, ready to deliver all I desired.. slender and broad-shouldered with his perfect muscle structure, slouching as though under the weight of his grace. I would run to him and he would catch me in his hot, his smells, his smoothness... All of it unbelievable and nowhere near buckling, he was so solid and loved me. He always fills a room.

The night I surprised him at his parents' house in Sunnybrae.. He was at a play rehearsal and his parents invited me to watch Harry Potter with them until he got home. I went into his room, the guest room, undressed and waited in the whiteness and peace. When he came home he did it the same, I could hear him coming fast like a ball of fire. They told him I was in the room and I heard the disbelief. When he found me he was so happy that I was naked and had no hair.. He smiled a smile no one smiles. A smile as good as a thousand, from two worlds away and stopping for nothing.


There are more............................. And more time ahead. If I don't give myself a break, a break-down (what is that compared to this?) is in store. Goodnight.

Morning

I am sad this morning. I don't think I can be with people very much. There are some that I have to see almost every day, and those I don't mind.. But his whole time I've been lamenting my lack of friends, and I here I find myself needing above all else to be alone. I need to find myself my own little place to make bright and quiet where all I do is reflect, reflect. I used to think I had too much love to put it all in one place, now I realize my love wasn't pure, it was just sugar I threw into peoples' eyes.. And I thought I was helping them, giving them what they deserved. When really I was blinding them with sweet words and juicy feedback (on autopilot I am everyone's muse, everyone's special friend, their yes-man, their excuser, their confidante and forgiver). It was temporary and empty and so dangerous because I do it without thinking at all. Everything was about everyone else, and I filled myself with the joy and understanding I saw in their eyes, but those things melted off like anything temporary will, and off I searched for another half-full heart in want of a friend.

People are distracting to me. Distracting from myself, without whom I would not be. What I was typing about last night, the voices in my head.. I see all of us in a room (my head is the room), and everyone is talking to me, going on and on and looking into my eyes with such concentration. None of them stop to take a breath! They all care so much about me. I see myself in the background. I look shy and fuzzy, it is difficult to see my gentle fleeting face, and oftentimes my eyes are downcast. I am speaking too, but quietly, to myself (which you'd think I could hear, but in this situation, I am a she, and she whispers to herself), and I can barely make out the words. She doesn't think I care about what she has to say. She's lost in the crowd, and feels unimportant. She is not the least bit frustrated by this because she doesn't think herself worthy anyway.

I recently told someone who I don't have the capacity to respect: "People say you can't love someone until they love themselves, and no one will run into that problem with me." I may have thought I loved myself, but how can you love something you don't understand? That just shows me that I was to myself what I was to anyone else! Something seemingly beautiful that came from nowhere, went nowhere still, and left a temporary glittering impression (or so I hoped). I must exclude him from this though, because I showed him more of what was left over, the child, the one that ate and shat and whined and clung. I'm sorry, you. What a broken person I've been, and you loved me all the way through. Even when your demon warned you not to, you held hope.. And here we are, you're the only one I feel I can be honest with, therefore the only one I want to see, and I love you anew all the more.

The Rise

It's a slow learn I thought, but progress is picking up. I can see the net below me, and the cord on which I balance ahead. The cord is tiny but tot and unbreakable, drawn from ends that are being created just for me and stretching out as far as I can see which is always further. I remember the way the net felt, grew familiar with the fibers and loved it because it was what i had. I remember looking up to the rope so far away.. Too far to focus or imagine I could balance.
Lies are reliable. They cannot be singular. They will multiply, and on this you can depend. The lies made a net where I slept and saddened. They were my horizon, kept me company and occupied.
It is such a challenge to listen to this quiet voice in me that tells me how I feel. It's a noisy place inside my head because I can hear other peoples' voices there too. They tell me I am beautiful and what will make me happy. Sometimes some of them are right. I need to, want to, listen to myself. And I am making progress.

Steam Pods

We are activity, moving like insects, each of us busy
bodies steaming, sliding through the approaching age
of ice, pods within pods, warmer in each moving inward
to the heart of heat, only a carbon copy of what's outside our skin

Thin Ice

When I started, the words came tumbling out of me like a bubbling brook, not a flow exactly because that might suggest consistence and fluidity when this was a choking and vomiting confession. I said words that felt so separate from him, he almost disappeared when they fluttered out, wet and sticky and stuck to the floor after struggling to be.

Truth be Told

i told him what i've done. it happened just like i thought it would, except he didn't throw so many things. i'm sure when the excitement dies down, he'll leave me.