Morning

I am sad this morning. I don't think I can be with people very much. There are some that I have to see almost every day, and those I don't mind.. But his whole time I've been lamenting my lack of friends, and I here I find myself needing above all else to be alone. I need to find myself my own little place to make bright and quiet where all I do is reflect, reflect. I used to think I had too much love to put it all in one place, now I realize my love wasn't pure, it was just sugar I threw into peoples' eyes.. And I thought I was helping them, giving them what they deserved. When really I was blinding them with sweet words and juicy feedback (on autopilot I am everyone's muse, everyone's special friend, their yes-man, their excuser, their confidante and forgiver). It was temporary and empty and so dangerous because I do it without thinking at all. Everything was about everyone else, and I filled myself with the joy and understanding I saw in their eyes, but those things melted off like anything temporary will, and off I searched for another half-full heart in want of a friend.

People are distracting to me. Distracting from myself, without whom I would not be. What I was typing about last night, the voices in my head.. I see all of us in a room (my head is the room), and everyone is talking to me, going on and on and looking into my eyes with such concentration. None of them stop to take a breath! They all care so much about me. I see myself in the background. I look shy and fuzzy, it is difficult to see my gentle fleeting face, and oftentimes my eyes are downcast. I am speaking too, but quietly, to myself (which you'd think I could hear, but in this situation, I am a she, and she whispers to herself), and I can barely make out the words. She doesn't think I care about what she has to say. She's lost in the crowd, and feels unimportant. She is not the least bit frustrated by this because she doesn't think herself worthy anyway.

I recently told someone who I don't have the capacity to respect: "People say you can't love someone until they love themselves, and no one will run into that problem with me." I may have thought I loved myself, but how can you love something you don't understand? That just shows me that I was to myself what I was to anyone else! Something seemingly beautiful that came from nowhere, went nowhere still, and left a temporary glittering impression (or so I hoped). I must exclude him from this though, because I showed him more of what was left over, the child, the one that ate and shat and whined and clung. I'm sorry, you. What a broken person I've been, and you loved me all the way through. Even when your demon warned you not to, you held hope.. And here we are, you're the only one I feel I can be honest with, therefore the only one I want to see, and I love you anew all the more.