His Smile

I was thinking back on these smiles and crying because I don't know how I can live with myself after hurting something so amazing. How could I not do it right the first time? How could I find someone like this and fuck it all up? I feel like my life is a waste because I faught for a chance and foiled my own dream. Joel is different from anyone else. He's warmer, more real. He's bigger in every way. To see his smile to remember that I've been breathing and why. To hear him laugh is like clouds opening and shafts of sunlight breaking through (if you can imagine a world dark in every other way). I want to protect him from me. He deserves more love than exists, a smile as delightful as his, and a heart twice as generous. I feel so hollow and broken. I feel like a defective observer. I feel like a cruel person. I'm pissed at myself for falling in love with such a beautiful person, but how could I avoid it? Anyone who doesn't fall in love with Joel is out of their mind. I wrote this before, and the browser disappeared in a puff of smoke.. I cried harder, for the symbolic vacancy after my heart outpouring.. I plucked these memories from the sunny places in my heart (so many more after meeting Joel), and then they disappeared all over again.... I'm ashamed that I can express myself at all. I should be broken up beyond belief and never allow myself in the presence of such an extraordinary creature. I want to make myself alright, to really work on myself, so maybe I can be the one who makes him happy, so maybe I can be responsible partly for his beautiful smile. I am having a weak moment though, and don't find forgiveness for myself right now. One of the problems is, and was before, this pedestal I've built - I don't think I am good enough, and then I slip down, find myself on that dirty path where any flower will do since I am empty inside anyway... I am weak right now though. Overpowered by his beauty and my ugliness. Things will get better, I am determined to follow through with this. Right now I am just feeling so much regret and hatefulness. It goes nowhere. I want so much to show him the love that I feel for him, but I feel dark and gooey like I'll make him sick if I touch him. I feel he might let me anyway, and he'll regret it. Why did I do this???

Some of the memories:

When we lived in Hollywood, I would wait up at night until midnight, sometimes 1 or 2am. I would wait eagerly listening to every noise, keenly aware of the exact ones that told me he was home. Then he would be there in the doorway like a comet, dazzling and full of life. His smile so vulnerable, so expectant as though he thought I might have disappeared in his absence, and to find me was a miracle. Dressed in black, ready to deliver all I desired.. slender and broad-shouldered with his perfect muscle structure, slouching as though under the weight of his grace. I would run to him and he would catch me in his hot, his smells, his smoothness... All of it unbelievable and nowhere near buckling, he was so solid and loved me. He always fills a room.

The night I surprised him at his parents' house in Sunnybrae.. He was at a play rehearsal and his parents invited me to watch Harry Potter with them until he got home. I went into his room, the guest room, undressed and waited in the whiteness and peace. When he came home he did it the same, I could hear him coming fast like a ball of fire. They told him I was in the room and I heard the disbelief. When he found me he was so happy that I was naked and had no hair.. He smiled a smile no one smiles. A smile as good as a thousand, from two worlds away and stopping for nothing.


There are more............................. And more time ahead. If I don't give myself a break, a break-down (what is that compared to this?) is in store. Goodnight.